writing about ptsd in my notes app

My thoughts after reading What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo

When I hear “PTSD” — abbreviation for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder — I think of war. I think of helicopters circling over battle fields, a scene in American Sniper where Bradley Cooper was about to shoot a child, and the word “shell”. This demonstration of PTSD leaving soldiers “a shell of who they once were” is widely circulated through all kinds of media, American Sniper being a prime example. The tailored representation also revolves around men and leaves female representation out of many conversations even though, according to The National Library of Medicine, 10-12% of women experience PTSD and 5-6% of men experience PTSD. In total, this leads to around 6 of every 100 people experiencing lasting PTSD. The reasoning behind women’s higher percentage of lifetime PTSD prevalence has to do with women experiencing more “high-impact” trauma (the example they gave was sexual trauma) and having a more “sensitized hypothalamus-pituitary-axis”.

It took me a long time to realize that PTSD covers a lot more ground than the terrors of war. And due to the natural patriotism of many countries, it’s often looked down upon to compare privileged civilian experiences to the diagnosis (not to mention the blatant lack of education around the subject). PTSD is actually a lot more common than you might think. 

I finished reading ‘What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Complex PTSD’ by Stephanie Foo on a train destined for Marseille. After reading the last word and setting down the book, I felt exasperated with the amount of privilege I had at that moment. I not only got to focus my attention to a wonderfully written memoir (I am normally “on the go” all the time without air to finish a book) and reflect while doing so, but I realized that the opportunity to immerse yourself into someone else’s struggles is extremely rare. What Foo wrote in this book was real, raw, and rewarding. At times when she described certain behavioral patterns, I lifted my nose to the text and thought, “I do not act like this, I am in control of my emotions and reactions”. But as I kept reading, my defense slowly crumbled until I was left with nothing but a mirror. 

Foo describes many cognitive disorders and practiced therapies in this book, most of which stemming to heal all the way back to her childhood abuse and consequential life-long trauma. I related to a lot of it: her struggles with finding and maintaining friendships and relationships, fighting the strength of her past, and comforting her fear of the future. For example, I too would seek endless reassurance from past partners while simultaneously hating the fact I did so. This cycle would send me down a rabbit hole of self loathing. I knew rationally that there is a line between what I should ask from a partner but, emotionally, I drowned in desperation to make my problems theirs. 

It has taken a long time for me to stop and ask myself “what am I looking for?” before resorting to complain to friends or beg for support. By a long time I literally mean that I began practicing this in the spring, and I already see a difference in the way I seek support and validation from others. Foo rounded out this dilemma with a C-PTSD and trauma perspective — because of her childhood abandonment and abuse, she began adopting coping mechanisms and reactions that helped her survive. The C in C-PTSD stands for complex. To simplify it extremely, Complex PTSD is the response of a recurring traumatic experience whereas PTSD the response of a traceable traumatic response. Foo’s childhood trauma, among other things, is a prime example of C-PTSD. There is no “exact” experience that can be pin pointed (traced) to be a cause of the symptoms. 

Foo gave a great explanation of PTSD in her memoir:

“So, if you get in a car accident, and let’s say it’s in front of a Krispy Kreme, your brain encodes all of these details around you. Maybe the guy who hit had a blue sweater, and you’re in front of this donut place. So, it encodes all of this as potential threats because you’re going through a traumatic incident. So, in the future, your brain isn’t trying to be sensible. It’s trying to save your life. And so, it’s encoded all of these things in the back, and so you might see a donut, and you might feel panicky. And that doesn’t make any sense, of course, but that’s how your brain works. This is the adaptation that our brilliant bodies have come up with to try and keep us alive.”

She also says, “The whole point of PTSD is to prepare you for being on the verge of death at any moment.” PTSD is not just about “cognitive flashbacks”, it is also about “emotional flashbacks”. You may not remember what or why you are feeling the extreme force of emotion, but it is happening whether you like it or not. In a moment you are no longer in the present, you are stuck in a feeling from years ago. 

Yet, trauma and PTSD don’t just come from getting hit by a car or seeing a fleet get blown up. Trauma can come from uncalled for reactions/responses from adult figures, a harrowing experience at a night club, or even a toxic friendship. That doesn’t mean the term can be thrown around and self-diagnosed like anxiety and depression frequently are; there are learned responses and characteristics, and there is post traumatic stress disorder. 

She also gives the example, “So let's say you go through a breakup, it's a hard breakup. It really sucks. And then you start dating again. And this new person that you're dating, they seem like a totally pleasant, nice person, but you have a hard time trusting them, and you feel anxious around them, you feel kind of scared. That is a trauma response. Basically, you went through this hard thing of a breakup. And your brain encoded that relationships or romantic love are dangerous, so that if you're in a situation where you're dating someone again and you feel an attraction to them, it's pumping out these chemicals saying "danger, danger, danger," which isn't a weakness of us. This is how humans work, because we are animals, and this is how all animals work. If something unpleasant happens, our brain encodes it as danger to try and keep us alive so that we don't move towards dangerous things. That is a trauma response, which means that anyone can have a trauma response to anything tremendously unpleasant.

Of course, our brains aren't totally rational all the time. And so you're going to have to interrogate that trauma response of that, of your brain pumping these chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol into you, and say, “Is this my brain just trying to protect me and sort of overreacting, or is this a legitimate danger?” And then you can comfort yourself, do what you need to do: go on a run, meditate for a second, have some self-talk, take a break and be like, let me match my brain and body's response to the actual threat at hand.”

Having Foo speak unabashedly about her trauma and internal experiences was a breath of fresh air. 

I recognized myself in her past, present, and fears. After reading a chapter of her memoir, I wrote a blurb in my notebook that said “trauma has carved my insides out”. Without it, I would not be the person I am now, for better or for worse. 

I hadn’t had a large emotional reaction for quite some time, but today was challenging. After 14 hours of traveling, constantly being around masses of people, feeling self conscious, and stressing over college course applications, when I got back to the hotel I was just about to throw a tantrum. My heart was racing, my foot couldn’t stay still, and my mind was in fight mode. That means no piece of my mind was thinking of other people, I was trying  to survive, to save myself. I was desperate to gain the validation of friends continents away that what I was feeling was okay. I was desperate for someone to take the feeling away.

This sounds awfully dramatic, trust me, I know. I wish putting on a hiking pack wouldn’t make my heart pound or my hands sweat. I wish seeing a man in Hawaiian t-shirts and cargo jorts wouldn’t send a wave of sadness and loss through my chest. And I wish my default reaction to exhaustion wasn’t defensiveness. Even though I go through the motions more than I’d like, the most valuable lesson I am learning is to let myself feel. Being upset or angry isn’t wrong — no matter how much certain therapeutic programs attempted to enforce the opposite into me — what matters is how you learn to deal with it. I made mistakes and I will continue to make mistakes (the lovely human condition), but to stop the trauma cycle and consequential PTSD symptoms, I will give myself grace and allow myself to feel what I need to feel. So today I put in my headphones, let myself listen to some sad music for a bit, and then took a deep breath. I reflected on moment earlier when I felt that if I didn’t fix the emotions I was feeling, I would be eaten alive. Well, surprise surprise, I was not eaten alive, I just needed to remember that no matter what I was feeling I would be okay.

Ultimately there is still a stigma around talking about mental health, specifically talking about one’s personal battles and healing process. I am still terrified of talking about a vital part of myself in case it is not received well, or worse, talked poorly about. I am even nervous to put this out into the depths of the internet, but if Stephanie could do it, I can too. Soon these words will be underneath other posts of mine and others, which gives me some comfort too. Before I even began writing this, I asked myself, “What is the difference between sharing trauma and dumping it onto others?”

“Trauma dumping” happens often and continues to be ridiculed mercilessly. I will be honest, I have done my fair share of blabbing about my own problems (this is Point A). The line between sharing and dumping is separated by a single question: what is the reason why this person is sharing what they’re sharing? It becomes trauma dumping when they expect the recipient to help them fix and/or aid in validating their hurt as an excuse for it to continue. 

However, if someone shares something with you that makes you uncomfortable, think about why it is making you uncomfortable. Is it because it’s not talked about under ‘regular’ circumstances? 

It may just be because listening to someone else’s struggles goes beyond your boundaries, which is completely valid. In that case, the best course of action is to be honest or point them in a direction where they can receive the help they need. But you cannot force someone to be ready to properly heal. 

Today there is this idea of “good damage”. It reminds me of the Bojack Horseman episode where Mr. Cuddlywisker says, “It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are and even longer to see that it doesn't have to be that way. Only after you give up everything, can you begin, to find a way to be happy.” 

Diane responds with the cognitive distortion of ‘good damage’, “That means that all the damage I got isn't 'good damage'. It's just damage. I have gotten nothing out of it and all those years I was miserable was for nothing."

This idea perpetuates the cycle of trauma dumping and seeking validation for internal struggles. Until one is able to give themselves the comfort and security that their problems are real, the healing path is often stunted with endless seeking of external validation and repair. At the end of the day, it is not up to you to fix or be the sole caregiver of someone’s mental health recovery. But if you put judgement aside and lend a hand to steer them in the right direction, you can be the pivotal stepping stone in someone’s recovery. 

If you are looking for support or a direction to step, here are some pieces of advice that changed the course of my thinking:

• There are no “wrong” emotions, all emotions deserve to be balanced. 

• If someone makes you feel like your past and emotions are too much, they are not the person for you. The right people will love all perfections and imperfections alike.

• Being okay with healing. There is the saying “it’s okay to not be okay”, which I support completely. However, it’s also okay to be okay. Even though you heal from something does not make your experience less horrible or traumatic, it just makes you stronger than them.

• Love truly conquers all. Approaching the world with curiosity can save lives.